JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts "on
call." Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be
hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical
stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered
on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is
that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play
your cards right.
- Source Unknown